Outgrowing Yourself in Midlife
The act of no longer being who you used to be and doing things you used to do just because that is who you were and what you did.
I came across a post on IG and it said, you’re allowed to outgrow alcohol. I agree! But, I agree more that you’re allowed to outgrow the version of yourself that wanted to or needed to drink alcohol.
Outgrowing past versions of ourselves is a normal human experience, but are we paying attention as we shed? And when do we need to shed? 😅
This topic has sent me down a self-reflection journey of my own, and that is what I share with you today. From one midlife gal to another. I don’t have a lot of answers today, more questions and things to ponder.
In this episode, you will hear:
How this quote by Steve Maraboli inspired this episode: We shrink ourselves to fit into places we’ve outgrown. Then we find ways to anesthetize the pain and discomfort. Stop spiritually and emotionally starving yourself. Let go. Move on. Grow.
The signs of outgrowing yourself and the importance of recognizing them
How personal growth in midlife can lead to increased self-awareness and life satisfaction
The process of shedding past versions of yourself, including outdated roles and identities
Specific examples of outgrowing alcohol and the "hostess with the mostess" identity
Practical tips for acknowledging personal growth and aligning with your current values
The purpose of this episode is to bring awareness to shedding past versions of yourself because you don’t have to continue to be who you were and do things you used to do if you aren’t aligned with who you are growing to be.
Outgrowing yourself can be hard. Be kind to yourself and don’t forget to give your present version a big ol’ hug.
Mentioned in this episode:
-
Outgrowing Yourself in Midlife
Lori Massicot: [00:00:00] Hello there. I am Lori Massicot. I'm the midlife sobriety coach and founder of Team Alcohol-Free, an online community for women 35 and over 250 and beyond is all about living alcohol-free later in life. I started drinking at the age of 14. I stopped drinking at the age of 45 and since then my life has completely changed.
I am here to spread awareness of the option of going alcohol-free later in life and I always respect your choice. Um, whether that is a good option for you, if you're new here, welcome. If you're returning, thank you so much for coming back. I came across a post on Instagram not long ago, and I'm paraphrasing, but the gist is pretty simple.
And it said, you are allowed to outgrow alcohol. And I thought, okay, yeah, I get that. And then I thought a little bit more about it. And I thought, well, it's not just about alcohol. It's more about outgrowing the version of yourself that wanted to, or needed to drink alcohol. [00:01:00] And I'm going to talk a little bit more on that in a bit.
Shedding past versions of ourselves is a normal human experience. It's called personal growth. But are we paying attention as we shed? Are we paying attention to when we need to shed? We need to let go of these versions of ourselves that just aren't offering us any support.
Possibly we feel like they're a little bit outdated. From one midlife gal to another, I don't have a lot of answers today, more questions and things to ponder because I have been pondering this idea. I know that we outgrow things, but is outgrowing ourselves a thing? And I did some research like, yes, it is a thing.
And this makes a lot of sense. I then saw a quote over the summer that sparked a lot of self reflection and more of an interest in doing this episode. This is a quote by Steve Marabali. I don't know if I'm pronouncing that right. I hope so, Steve. Author of Life, the Truth, and Being Free. I've never read it.
I just couldn't stop reading this quote. And he says, We shrink ourselves to fit into [00:02:00] places we've outgrown, and then we find ways to anesthetize the pain and discomfort. Stop spiritually and emotionally starving yourself. Let go. Move on. Grow. Okay, Steve. Ouch. If we're trying to fit into places we've outgrown, that's when we have that need to escape.
Okay. And offer ourselves a lot of comfort, like I talked about in last week's episode, how growing yourself simply means you are changing and evolving. We've been growing and changing since birth and in midlife, we are literally going through the change in so many ways. Your values are changing, your goals are changing, your likes and dislikes.
Habits are changing, your routines, your roles are changing, relationships, your hormones are changing. Just to name a few of the changes, I have to say real quickly, I have a little bit of a cold. I don't know if you can hear it, but I keep pausing because I have a, a tickle, a tickle cough. You know, the lingering is thing is lingering and lingering.
So excuse me, [00:03:00] you won't hear the coughing, but you may hear some raspiness. Also, I want to say from a personal experience. Just like thinking of relationships and how they outgrow themselves. And sometimes like, it's just like, so weird, like the phenomenon's like, there's no closure. Somebody who is once really important in your life and you're close to, it's just like kind of fades away.
It's really tough. It's hard. I think it's sad. And so this is something that we can explore together with lots of self compassion for ourselves. And knowing that this is just a topic I am putting out there for you to bring awareness to this one thing. You do not have to continue being who you were or doing what you've done because that is who you used to be and what you've always done.
Should I repeat that? I feel like I need to, but you're probably like, no, you don't need to. I'm going to, you don't have to continue being who you were or doing what you've done because that is who you used to be and what you've always done. And I have found myself saying that to [00:04:00] myself for quite a while, like just because you've always done it doesn't mean you have to keep doing it.
I don't think you need permission from me to change and grow. You're doing fine on your own. But if this topic resonates with you, you're not going to unhear it. And that's where I was when I heard it. I cannot unhear it. You're going to think about it and possibly what I hope for you, it's going to unlock more hope, a better vision of your future, more creativity.
More excitement, more F this shit moments. I wrote that in my journal the other morning. I was having some mind drama and I got up. I didn't have that great of a sleep. And my first thought. Goes on my journal page in the morning. And just the first thought, I do not have to write a whole page. I just put that down and it's like bookmark it if I want to come back to it later.
And I wrote F U C K this S H I T, but I haven't gone back to it yet cause I'm figuring it out, but it's just like where you start to realize, you know what? I'm kind of getting tired of myself. [00:05:00] And we start to shed the version that is no longer helping us in our days. Not shrinking to fit into a mold where you no longer fit.
It's like wearing too small of clothing and walking around uncomfortable all day and just waiting for the moment to strip down. And I had this happen to me just the other day. I pulled out a shirt out of my closet that I have had forever. It's a size medium. It's a Levi button up denim shirt and it fit, but it wasn't as comfortable as a large could have been.
I've outgrown it and wearing it because I did, it was fine. I did all kinds of things in it, but I was kind of in a crappy mood. So the number one sign about growing yourself is feeling like you are not aligned with who you are today and who you want to be tomorrow. I'm not aligned with a size anymore on my shirt.
I want comfort. I'm not aligned actually with the style. It's kind of like a cowboy shirt. I guess you would say like. You know, it's cute. I've got my fair [00:06:00] share of wear out of it and I'm, I'm not going to toss it. I'm going to keep it. No, I'm going to toss it. But it's walking around like that. You just feel like I'm not doing the stuff I want to do and I'm not representing the person who I want to be.
And you're aligned with the past version of yourself. The version of yourself who maybe has some habits you don't feel good partaking in anymore. The version of yourself that eats food you don't want to eat anymore. The version of yourself who tells. Herself, you can't, or you shouldn't, or what's the point when it comes to changing things she isn't happy with, or the version of yourself who is holding on to a belief that life is going to be harder and not as enjoyable without drinking alcohol, you may feel moody, resentful, burnt out.
Like you don't know yourself. That's how I felt when I quit drinking and still some days, I mean, it's just like, who are you? What are you doing with your life? You may feel overwhelmed, not sure what [00:07:00] to do next. What is that next step? And bored with the mundane routines of everyday life and to recognize these signs, that's where it can change.
And it's a good place to be because this is what we're talking about, self awareness. And when you recognize it could open the doors to doing things differently, changing what isn't working for you anymore to build more confidence and trust. and a better relationship with yourself. I mean, the opportunities and personal growth, especially during midlife that increased self awareness, better emotional and mental health, a greater sense of purpose and fulfillment in life.
And we're stuck in believing a certain thing about ourselves that no longer serves us. And it's something that has come from the past. We're going to continue to feel like that. So it's a good place where you are aware of this. It's good news. There's hope and excitement and letting go of the you, you used to be.
It's not easy. It takes time, but today maybe you'll notice when I share what I'm shedding and want to shed [00:08:00] what's happening for you. I say things like I'm overwhelmed and I feel stuck way too much and it doesn't go with who I am today. I catch myself and I think that was a more immature version of you because you believed that.
So you gave yourself an out. I'm stuck. I can't figure it out. I'm overwhelmed. Let me take to the bed. Let me take to the couch and Netflix. But the version of you today, you know, the more mature one, I feel overwhelmed and stuck sometimes. That's legit. I overwhelm myself a lot, but I also figure it out and I move forward.
I don't stay stuck in it. So, I like to think about growing myself as I'm unbecoming this past version of myself to become a new, different, possibly better version of myself, with practicing self acceptance for all of the versions, with lots of gratitude for all of those past versions of me and love and lots and lots of cringeworthy moments and being okay with those cringeworthy moments because I'm doing things differently.
Like what was I thinking? Your past versions have [00:09:00] brought you here today. Thank them. Give them a high five. No, give them a hug and let's practice more self acceptance of ourselves because we're all human. I have talked more about alcohol because I see women in midlife who are like me when I was working on giving up alcohol, deeply connected to a version of themselves that at one point enjoyed drinking more. Alcohol gave them the fun experiences. Help them through some tough times. And for a lot of women, they have created an identity around their drinking, like for myself, the party girl.
I really did create that identity for myself. I believed that about myself. I honestly cannot tell you if anybody else in my life, my friends who I drank with, my husband, anybody, I don't think I've ever had that conversation. Like, did you look at me as a party girl? It doesn't matter. That's how I saw myself.
And so I realized now I wasn't outgrowing alcohol as much as I was outgrowing that identity. I had held it really close. And as I [00:10:00] got into my forties, Ooh, I wasn't partying anymore. I was trying to solo parties on the couch, but I kept thinking, am I going to uphold this identity? That is who I was and I couldn't, I didn't want to be a party girl from day one, which is hard to admit, but it wasn't fitting with my personality from a very young age and it changed my personality.
So definitely when I got to the point when I gave it up, it was like, who am I? What do I want to do? in life? What don't I want to do? I had a very hard time answering those questions. I've heard from women who have created roles in their lives around alcohol, and I'm going to talk about hostess with the mostest.
I'm the host. I get everybody together. It's my responsibility. The hostess who throws all the parties and dreads it and can't wait for it to be over. She used to like it, but now she drinks more and more and more to get through it. It causes her more stress and anxiety. She has things on her [00:11:00] calendar and she realizes, how am I ever going to quit drinking when I have these events on my calendar that I have committed to?
So when the hostess with the mostest gets to a point where she's saying, I got to give up alcohol. I'm just not happy anymore. This is not doing it for me. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling so poorly. I'm tired of letting myself down. She feels like she's letting go of a part of her. And it's going to change her life in a negative way and it's hard.
There is a grieving period in letting those versions of ourselves go that especially are tied to something else. It could be a person, it could be a thing, a place or whatever. It's like the, the nostalgia comes up for me when I think about stuff like that. And yeah, I, I just, it's hard. I mean, it's hard, but staying stuck in a role that we created and that we're holding tightly to when we're not happy with drinking alcohol.
It's really hard. If you're [00:12:00] worried about giving up a role that you've created for yourself and what other people will think of you if you don't drink, I understand how you feel, but I want to make sure you know that drinking to fit a role that no longer fits and drinking to make other people comfortable and have fun may be the version of yourself that you're outgrowing.
I've always said this on the podcast, everybody is going to be okay if you don't drink, especially you. And that's all that matters. But I want to talk about this as well, because I started thinking as I was talking, the signs Transcribed I feel if you are outgrowing alcohol, I want to touch on this. I feel like this is what I hear a lot of, and I experienced it as well.
I'm kind of bored with it. It doesn't taste that great anymore. It feels like more of a bad habit. It's lost. It's luster. One of my clients just said that to me. It's losing its luster. It's lost the romance because I'm seeing the reality more. You're drinking more to try to get it all back, but you're coming up short because you're just not feeling your best anymore.
It's not doing the job. [00:13:00] So you're not getting that buzzy, wuzzy feeling. Or if you do, it's very, very short lived and you feel like I got to get more and more and more. Kind of what I talked about. Last week's episode, reclaimed self comfort. It's kind of like, what's the point? And I always think like it was leaving me so unfulfilled that no matter how much I filled my glass with of Chardonnay and champagne, I still felt unfulfilled.
And those after effects, let's face it, as we get older, they linger longer and you just get so tired of spending your time and energy recovering. You may have noticed that alcohol is aging you and you're worried about that. That's not aligned with who you want to be in the future. You're worried about your health.
Drinking isn't part of your aging plan. Drinks It's really a thing that we are outgrowing, not only alcohol, but the version of ourselves that once believed that alcohol was maybe the be all end all, because I did. And this is also a thing, a big thing. And I've mentioned it, I'm going to say it again, but you're drinking to make other people [00:14:00] comfortable and you're drinking to keep relationships together.
And I know that's a really hard place to be. But if you find yourself really thinking about going alcohol free more than that kind of thing is bothering you, it's a good place to just kind of practice and start to let it go. Do you, Boo? You gotta do you. Cause then we end up in that cycle of, I am feeling resentment, and I'm sure where it's directed towards, but chances are it's directed at ourselves.
And we feel unfulfilled, we feel unhappy, we feel like, dang it, I'm doing the same stuff over and over again, I want to get out of that cycle, but I'm in it and let me drink about it. And so you've got to just pay attention to that cycle, what's driving the motivation to continue drinking.
And if it's one of these things that we've talked about. I know that you can change it. I know that you can. And I'm with ya. I made a list of some versions of me I'm shedding and would like to shed, so I want to give you an example. The overthinker. [00:15:00] The overthinker. You're wasting my time. Just go. Just go.
I love you, but just go. Don't let the door hit you on your tush. I'm tired of that part of me. I'm getting better, but also maybe I'm not. I don't know. I'm tired of it. It really wears me out. The snacker out of boredom, the weekend warrior who rewards herself with too much food. It's trying to keep up with her six foot four husband who can eat a lot.
It's really working against my weekday self. I'm over it. I really want to find some balance. So I was thinking, okay, instead of saying Saturday night is pizza night. What about Wednesday night? What about not like. Defining the weekend by having like foods that I don't normally eat during the week. Just a thought I'm having.
I would like to shed more of the version of myself who compares herself to others and her past self when I was in the best shape of my life. Hmm we just had a conversation [00:16:00] about. Comparison in team alcohol free. And it was such a good take from everybody.
And I was realizing like, what's the point of that? And especially from my past self, if I want to get back to that in the best shape of my life version of me, I can do it. I'm wrestling with that because I'm not really sure that I want to do it. So it's really good to get clear on what you want and you can really look at like, what don't I want anymore?
And then also while I was talking about this, I realized that I would like to reconnect with one of my past versions and she is the artist, the one who has to create something daily, paper and glue, painting, collaging, doing a new form of scrapbooking. I was a huge scrapbooker and I told myself I couldn't do that after I stopped drinking and it's been a real mind of trying to get back into that.
I'd like to bring her back into my life. If you would like to ponder this topic, first, bring awareness. To all of the growth that you have already made, give yourself an attagirl, acknowledge it, acknowledge the [00:17:00] past versions of yourself that sometimes maybe you go back to and you cringe a little bit or you laugh at, you go, Oh my gosh, I used to take myself so serious.
Ponder what is fitting into your life and what isn't. Start to write about the versions you have shed and start to write about all the aha moments and the pride that you're experiencing for letting go. And the ones today that you would like to release to become more close to how you really want to live your life, becoming that version of yourself that you want to be today can start today.
Offer yourself lots of love and compassion and try some new things. It could be wearing something you love, but you feel like people will think it's too young for you. It could be taking a walk in the morning. You're telling yourself, I really want to do this. I want to walk. I'm tired of not getting out, getting fresh air in the morning, but I keep telling myself I'm not a morning person.
Well, reframe that like this version of yourself that gets up and walks. You don't have to be a morning person. You can do that at any time of the morning. If that's what you want to do, it is [00:18:00] really. essential to get clear on these things before you decide, like, I'm going to become this person. Like, why does it matter?
If you want to give yourself the experience of being alcohol free, take a break. Take a break for a day. See how that goes for yourself. Download the daily sobriety toolkits, always in the show notes, that will help you design your day. Take a longer break, if it goes well, give yourself that experience.
Maybe also you can start changing some things up by eating a different lunch because you're bored of the old lunch. You know the mundane tasks like I mentioned earlier, I said, gosh, I get in a funk in the afternoon. I'm like, I've got to spice it up a little bit. I'm trying to find some different things that I can do for myself, and I've talked about this before.
I talk about it way too much. So let's shed that version of myself as well. The one who keeps talking about it, just like trying some new things. Maybe it's getting in and getting some things out of your closet and donating them because they just don't fit your style today. And then also this seams.
[00:19:00] small, but I know it's not when you have a less than supportive thought or idea about yourself. You're maybe being a little bit of a mean girl to yourself today or tomorrow say out loud. Nope. It doesn't help me. Doesn't help the version that we are becoming. It's just not helpful. So you're working with yourself to build a better relationship where your past and your present become a team.
I like that. You team up. Don't diss your past self. Give yourself a lot of attagirls, a lot of gratitude for getting yourself here. Get used to those cringeworthy moments. You may miss these versions of yourself, especially the drinking self. You're going to miss her and that's okay because you are becoming a different version of yourself, the one that you haven't met yet.
And that always excites me too because I want to meet other versions of myself because I feel like that other version of myself is going to bring other people into my life and other experiences into my life. And so I'm with you over here. I'm figuring it out too. We are going to do this together. It's not going to happen [00:20:00] overnight, but if you can get clear on who you want to be and what you want to do and align yourself to this new version sooner rather than later, you're going to start to notice changes.
You're going to start to notice new ideas about yourself. Maybe some exciting experiences. Let's do it as an adventure. I like a good adventure and I don't have them enough. You don't have to continue being who you were or doing what you've done because that is who you used to be and what you've always done.
Let's end it there. Thank you so much for listening today. If you would like to share your thoughts about this episode with me, send me an email. You want to stay in touch via email, join my email community link in the show notes, go and check out Team Alcohol-Free If you want to join a group where you get coaching, you get support.
You have that connection with other women who are doing the damn thing and live in this alcohol-free lifestyle and figuring it out how to get to the point where they are free from alcohol. Cause not everybody is. is alcohol free in that group and we are there to support you. I will see you next week with a brand new episode.
Take care of yourself, my friend. [00:21:00] Peace.
Want more? Check out these popular episodes:
Quitting or Continuing to Drink for Other People
Donna’s Story: From Party Girl to Sobriety
Reinventing Your Professional Identity with Dr. Carol Parker Walsh
Help me spread the word!
There is another option besides drinking in midlife.
If you liked this episode and want to take a few minutes to support the podcast, I want to encourage you to leave a positive rating and review on Apple Podcasts.
So many women out there don’t know there is an “alcohol-free” option and are struggling with their drinking.
Your support will help these women find the podcast this week and learn about an alcohol-free lifestyle later in life.
➡️Click here, scroll to the bottom of the page, tap to rate with five stars, and select “Write a Review.”
I read my reviews and will hug you when I see yours.
Make sure to “follow” To 50 and Beyond to get all of the wonderful episodes coming your way. If you don’t click “follow," you will miss hearing what’s coming up.
Thank you!