The Bright Side of Going Alcohol-Free in Midlife

[00:00:00] The bright side of going alcohol free and midlife today is all about sharing some good news with you, some hope, and also insights from real women who are really giving you a view of what they have discovered about themselves. I am so happy that you're here today. I am Lori. I'm the midlife sobriety coach and founder of Team Alcohol Free, an online community for women 35 and over.

[00:00:22] who are creating and exploring an alcohol free lifestyle together. And today I am sharing some of those insights from the wonderful women inside TAF. And then also I'm going to share my own discoveries because I do believe that going alcohol free later in life is so much about self discovery. And we don't know until we know.

[00:00:41] And I know for me, I was questioning my drinking for two very, very, very, very long years, and I wanted to hear from other women who were doing it. I had questions. I wanted to know what they were discovering, and I didn't have that around me at the time. so that is the purpose of this episode today is just to come on [00:01:00] in, share some hope, share some encouragement for you. I will say that sobriety is not a fix all. You probably have heard me say that if you've listened to the podcast before, it doesn't fix everything, but for me, the number one discovery in finding that bright side of going alcohol free was the fact that, hey, Lori, Michelle, Massicot you do not need to fix yourself.

[00:01:20] You don't need to fix your emotions, your life, you're human, you're not perfect. And what you really need more than anything, especially as you get older, is to embrace being human. And that for me, that's it. That is the golden ticket right there. I am so happy that you are here. Let's get this episode started.

[00:01:40] Why is midlife such an important time to really evaluate and re evaluate your relationship with alcohol? I believe that it is a wonderful time for women in their 30s and on up to take a look at alcohol and how it's affecting your day to day life and really look at your overall well being. Your moods, your emotions, your [00:02:00] happiness, your sleep, how you feel in your skin.

[00:02:03] And you know, for me, for those two very, very, very long years, I was in the thick of perimenopause and I wasn't feeling good. I was tired. I could barely look in the mirror at myself and I felt like this is how life is going to be. I'm getting older. I started googling, well, looks like you're in perimenopause and I started to feel like, well, this is it.

[00:02:27] I'm going to settle for being stiff. I'm going to settle for Acting out instead of pausing and responding in a different way, I'm going to settle for drinking a lot, a lot, a lot of alcohol to take care of how I felt, to remove how I felt. And it just wasn't happening for me anymore. And so I believe why we drink at this stage of life even more and more.

[00:02:49] We have challenges having relationships that aren't working out, divorce, financial problems. And now, especially as we do get older, we're facing the loss of our loved ones, [00:03:00] we're taking care of our aging parents, we're dealing with emptiness for those of us who have kids.

[00:03:05] It's a hard time, and I believe that alcohol makes it harder. So that is one of those discoveries that I had pretty early on in my sobriety is that this is a good time. You're getting older. Your body is changing. Your hormones are all over the place. This is a great time to be clear and present and differentiate how you really feel.

[00:03:24] One of the discoveries that I have heard from many women. Is the fact that they can wake up in the morning and look at themselves in the mirror and I just thought that is where I was too. I was not looking at myself in the mirrors and I just think that's such a bright side when we can actually lift our head and say in the mirror.

[00:03:44] Hello. Good morning to ourselves. Because there is. Such a filter that alcohol brings into our lives that lowers our view of ourselves and it completely removes it if you've been drinking for a long time, and that's where I was. I had no idea my capabilities [00:04:00] had no idea of what life was going to look like without drinking.

[00:04:03] I thought it was going to be a negative thing. I really thought going into this that alcohol. Is accepted. It's totally normal and I'm going to be left out. I'm going to be the only one. What I realized at that time and why I made the choice to stop drinking is because it was no longer acceptable to me.

[00:04:23] I also believe that 2023 where we are today in society is a wonderful time to go alcohol free sobriety is talked about more and more as a positive change, which I believe that it is. And many people have stopped drinking. I'm not here to blow smoke up your patoot and say, come on over to the other side.

[00:04:39] It's great over here. Everything is solved when you stop drinking. I don't believe that. I really don't believe that. We all have our own unique way that we are managing life. And I was managing it for a really long time with drinking and without drinking, I can manage it so much better. You know that saying, I've got 99 problems, but drinking alcohol [00:05:00] is not one of them.

[00:05:01] Drinking alcohol, that one problem, was making the other 99 problems so much more magnified. And that is something that I discovered, the bright side of going alcohol free, pretty early on as well. I believe that. The normalcy of drinking is there. It's pretty ingrained, especially if you're somebody like me who started drinking in the 80s and you grew up with it and we've been around it.

[00:05:23] I believe that when I stepped out of my drinking phase, my drinking era, I really looked at it as, well, not drinking is not normal. I'm going to be left out. It's acceptable to drink alcohol among not only society, but my friends and family, and that was what was happening in my mind, but in my heart and soul, it was no longer acceptable for me.

[00:05:45] We can choose to believe that it's acceptable to drink alcohol, or we can choose to accept that it's not acceptable for us, you and me, to drink, no matter how many people around us are drinking.

[00:05:55] One of the bright sides of no longer drinking. You are able to look at life with a different [00:06:00] set of glasses on. It's not the rosé colored glasses. It's clear glass. Like you've got a brand new prescription and you've been needing one for five years, right?

[00:06:08] You put those on, you go, well, wait a minute. I'm capable of handling my emotions. That's the bright side. I am capable of handling aunt Sally at Thanksgiving dinner without drinking. That's a really bright side. I am. Capable of having a deep night's sleep without waking up in a panic, sweating, and worried about what I did five years ago.

[00:06:29] That's another bright side. It's all about finding the bright side for you. So today, when you're listening to this, I'm going to share just a few insights from women. I want you to really give yourself a moment where you say, If I'm curious about being alcohol free, this could be something that I will look forward to throughout these discoveries, or if I'm already living that alcohol free lifestyle, , maybe I am not really finding the point to it yet, but find the aha moments that you hear in this episode, like looking in the mirror, is that something you've ever really Thank you [00:07:00] I didn't for a really long time.

[00:07:01] Like, oh wow, it was pretty natural. I can look in the mirror now, but for a long time, no, I avoided mirrors. I avoided pictures. I avoided everything in life. Cause I just didn't think that I was good enough. I guess. And man, one of the greatest parts about being alcohol free is, even though there are still things that I do avoid in life, I will say that I'm much more responsible with what is happening in my life.

[00:07:26] So use this episode in these wonderful women that are going to share their insights with you to really find maybe something that you're just not highlighting. for yourself because I do believe that we need a reminder.

[00:07:36] Why are we choosing this lifestyle for ourselves? What are the benefits to us? You know, if we're not constantly doing the work and keeping it top of mind then it starts to slip away and we can lose that motivation and tell ourselves, you know, this isn't fun anymore today. I'm gonna be your girlfriend and I want to remind you of some of the bright sides. Now, these women and team alcohol free are wonderful. I'm so proud of all of [00:08:00] them, and a few of them did share and I think it's so brave. So if you're listening, gals, I'm proud of you. Thank you so much for giving me your take on the questions that I asked.

[00:08:10] And I asked these questions inside the community and this was probably. Last month, what is one thing you've discovered about yourself since taking a break or quitting drinking? Did you have any negative expectations going into being alcohol free that didn't transpire?

[00:08:25] Did you discover something positive you didn't expect during a break from drinking or quitting? And then I asked them to finish this sentence, the best part of not drinking is. And I asked them to choose one or all questions, and I'm going to start with what I shared. Number one, what is one thing you've discovered about yourself since taking a break or quitting drinking?

[00:08:45] I learned that alcohol takes away so much of the joy in my life that I thought it was adding. I discovered that I'm fully capable of finding and creating joy in my life on my own daily. No alcohol required. We are the only ones who can create happiness, energy, and [00:09:00] peace in our lives.

[00:09:00] Never alcohol. And then the negative expectations that I thought about going into being alcohol free. I expected people to judge me, but that didn't happen. It was more of a curiosity about why I wasn't drinking. And I will say that curiosity sometimes can be really hard to face, but it got easier over time.

[00:09:20] I stopped answering questions so much about my drinking and kind of just turn the conversation around because I didn't really understand in the beginning. My choice. It wasn't 100% at the time. And so, you know, I just kind of navigated the conversations somewhere else. And then for me, I discovered something positive too many positives to count.

[00:09:41] But in the beginning, especially I didn't expect. To find the hard parts of being alcohol free is so rewarding. Like I would get through a night where I thought, this is it, Lori, you're going back, you're going to drink, you know, it's going to happen.

[00:09:56] And the next day I would wake up and go, Holy shit. I am [00:10:00] so proud of you. That is so cool. I cannot believe that you got through that. So that was something that was so rewarding for me. Celebrating myself and my wins has become one of the best gifts of sobriety, for sure, in all of my humanness. And then I finished the sentence, the best part of not drinking is feeling how I feel without needing to drink my feelings away.

[00:10:19] I have finally validated myself as a human being versus trying to hide who I was born to be. Which I did for 30 years. I drank because I was shy. I drank because I broke out on hives on my neck. I'm still shy. I don't break out in hives on my neck anymore. It's very interesting. Even though I get really nervous the alcohol definitely exasperated that.

[00:10:41] But there are so many things that I am embracing about myself. And I do believe. I do believe that in midlife, that is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves is to embrace who we are. And for some of us, that's finally, finally, whether you're 55, like me or 85, like [00:11:00] beyond midlife, that is the time where you just say, I am human, I'm going to validate how I feel and I do not need the outside influence of alcohol to take any of it away.

[00:11:10] So for the women that shared, I want to just, again, thank them and then let you know, I'm sharing this with their permission. Kathy says, one thing I discovered after I quit alcohol, the anxiety I was trying to relieve many times was exasperated by alcohol. Example, my fear of flying. I would hit the bar for a double at the airport and then drink as soon as possible on board.

[00:11:31] I thought it was necessary and helpful to self medicate. I was nervous on my first flight without it. I discovered that I felt less anxious without it. Who knew?

[00:11:53] Thank you, Kathy.

[00:11:54] Karen says, one thing she discovered about herself, more confidence in dealing with her [00:12:00] emotions and challenges in life. She says going alcohol free won't solve all of our problems, but it sure does give us clarity and inner strength to navigate the choppy water.

[00:12:08] Then she says the negative expectations she felt I expected to feel left out, but that never happened. Turns out my friends accepted my decision without any pressure whatsoever. Then the positive side that she didn't expect. More time.

[00:12:22] She says, it's amazing how much more time in the day I have since going alcohol free. I get so much more done during the day and have more time to relax and enjoy doing the things that I care about. And then Karen finishes the sentence. The best part of not drinking is an overall renewed energy and confidence to tackle life and whatever it throws my way.

[00:12:42] Thank you, Karen.

[00:12:44] Tanya says, one thing I've discovered about myself since I quit drinking is that I'm much stronger than I thought and had given myself credit for, she says, As far as the negative expectations, Tanya expected to always have strong cravings and temptations to drink at times, regardless of how [00:13:00] long it had been since she was alcohol free, but she says I'm grateful to report that it is longer my experience at 13 months alcohol free.

[00:13:07] I'm so happy for you, Tanya. Melissa says one thing she discovered about herself that she's a lot less anxious when she's not drinking. and she says the negative expectation that she had that didn't transpire.

[00:13:19] I discovered people don't really care if I drink when I'm out and when I'm out with them or not. It's never been a topic of a conversation. That is such an expectation that we feel like people are going to judge us. Like I said, we're feel like we're going to be left out that people are going to say things.

[00:13:36] And then when you realize you're out and about, nobody really even cares. And then Melissa says she discovered something positive that she didn't expect. She feels less fatigued and her digestive system is much happier. And Melissa finishes the sentence. The best part of not drinking is not feeling guilty and being able to be with my kids and grandkids and remembering everything.

[00:13:59] There is so [00:14:00] much discovery in remembering our memories. Thank you, Melissa. Kate says the three best things that she has discovered. The first best part about not drinking when I commit to it is how much brain space I get back when I'm not thinking about drinking. Instead, I'm using that positive energy and time for other projects and a lot more productivity and creativity.

[00:14:22] I keep saying this, but for me, it's about freedom. And the second best part she says is the pride I have in knowing I'm taking care of my body and health because I get better sleep. I eat better, less anxiety, and I'm not sluggish or hungover. And the third best part is. To know that I'm living with integrity and aligning with my core values of who I want to be in this world.

[00:14:44] And I also asked some of the members what they have found freedom from when they've gone alcohol free and Janelle says freedom from being trapped in an endless boring daily cycle of drinking not remembering and being exhausted from the lack of sleep.

[00:14:57] Thank you. Meg says, trying to moderate and [00:15:00] always being unsuccessful, back and forth, Groundhog's Day. Melissa says, she has found freedom from so many things, from alcohol having all the power, freedom from the constant shatter in her brain about drinking, freedom from hiding my drinking and fear of having my secret found out.

[00:15:16] Freedom to love myself, and I want to end it there, freedom to love ourselves, how we are, and if you have found any kind of insight in this episode that you feel is relatable to you, write it down in your journal, talk about it with yourself, just give yourself that moment, because if you are somebody who is maybe having a slow go with this, or you just don't see the point of it.

[00:15:38] Really ask yourself, you know, what is the bright side of either going alcohol free? What will I look forward to or of being alcohol free today? You deserve to give yourself. A bright side moment. I believe they are all around us in life, especially as we get older and not just to do with going alcohol free, but just in life to look at it, practice gratitude for what [00:16:00] we have in our lives and for who we have in our lives and to give ourselves a different spin because sometimes in midlife.

[00:16:07] It's really hard and I get stuck in the muck a lot and I always have to remind myself of what I'm grateful for and to find the flip side of what is happening in my life. And there are some days, I will tell you, my friend, I'm going to be honest with you that I can't find the positives. I can't find the bright side.

[00:16:23] And I just remind myself that it's for today, tomorrow. I'll be able to find it maybe the next day. There's always the bright side. As long as you can get yourself to that point and focus on it instead of always looking at, well, this is what I'm going to miss out on.

[00:16:38] This is what I think going into it. We all have expectations of being alcohol free and going into an alcohol free lifestyle there is not a lot of certainty because there's not certainty in what's going to happen and there's not certainty in how we're going to manage life without it.

[00:16:52] You take it day to day. And you're kind to yourself and you allow yourself when you're stuck in that muck thinking it's so much better drinking. [00:17:00] Pull yourself out of it and say, no, let's find a different spin on that. What is so much better about not drinking? That's what we have to do.

[00:17:08] Be more mindful of those moments. And I know that you can do it.

[00:17:11] I thank you so much for listening today. Giving you a big hug next week. I will be back with a fantastic episode. It is called how to get past forever sober thinking with my co hosts. And friends, Ann and Lee Walcott, who are back on the podcast for the fifth time, don't miss this episode.

[00:17:28] Make sure that you're subscribed to 250 and Beyond. If you want to get on the email list, please join in the episodes description. You'll get the episode the Tuesday before it airs. And I'm sending you out with a big hug. Take care of yourself.

[00:17:41] Peace.