Hey there, I am Lori. Welcome to To 50 and Beyond. If you're coming back to the podcast, welcome back. This episode today is part of the essential series, which is a six week podcast series that I have done. We're wrapping it up next week. And if you want to go back to the beginning, I highly suggest it. If you are new here and you're stopping by, hi new friend, I will link the entire series in this episode's description.

I'm the midlife sobriety coach and founder of team alcohol free. This is an online self improvement community for women 35 and over. I call it a self improvement community because that is what being alcohol free is all about. It's about improving ourselves. And really getting down to what we need more than alcohol.

I cannot say enough about the women inside this community, the support that is happening, and the connection that is there. And it's such a welcoming place to join. So if you're out there and you're feeling like, you know what, I really am doing this alone, I feel alone in it, either you don't have people around you who are living alcohol free, or you have people around you who don't get it, there are so many women inside this group, including myself, that will say it.

I get it. I understand how you're feeling and you don't have to go out alone because connection and community. If you have been listening to the podcast is essential to living alcohol free. So I'm going to link team alcohol free in the episodes description. I want you to go and check it out. You could start joining meetings this week and we will welcome you with big open arms.

Today I'm actually sharing a short lesson that is part of the alcohol free habit kickstart. This is a 30 day challenge inside team alcohol free and it is a lesson called being versus doing. It's about the practice of being alcohol free. Why I'm sharing this episode with you today is because I do believe it is essential to start changing up our stories and our beliefs about alcohol, which I've talked about in a past episode.

And I do believe that there is this mindset that we have to create where we step into allowing ourselves every single day to be someone who doesn't drink. And we do that by proving to ourselves that we can face the challenges that we face. We can enjoy the day without drinking. Our identity impacts our behaviors and habits and how your choice to be alcohol free is really happening in that day to day and the small daily steps you are taking daily.

And I know sometimes the days seem really hard and challenging and I feel like in those moments you are definitely learning how to be. And being man, it's so freeing, and especially when you don't have to rely on alcohol to be yourself, to be with the challenges, to be with your feelings without drinking.

So really the purpose of this lesson is to remind us all that our identity greatly impacts our behaviors and habits. And the practice of being alcohol free does take time, but I think one of the most important things about this is that if we pay attention to the fact. That we are celebrating our accomplishments that we are doing the hard stuff without drinking, then we can step into this role of, hey, I am somebody who doesn't need to drink today a little bit easier.

And so in this lesson, I am talking about the three levels of behavior change from one of my favorite books, Atomic Habits, by James Clear, and how my identity as a party girl, which I created at 14, really was a struggle at 45 when I quit drinking. There was definitely a clash. I didn't know who I was. I was definitely not stepping into this role of being alcohol free, I was resisting it.

And I started talking about this practice a few years ago after reading the book because of that resistance that I faced. And James Clear talks about your identity and how it emerges out of your habits. And he says, you are not born with preset beliefs. Every belief, including those about yourself, is learned and conditioned through experience.

More precisely, your habits are how you embody your identity. For example, he says when you make your bed each day, you embody the identity of an organized person. When you write each day, you embody the identity of a creative person or a writer. And when you strength train each day, you embody the identity of an athletic person.

The more you repeat a behavior, the more you reinforce the identity associated with that behavior. So he says, whatever your identity is right now, you only believe it because you have proof. And I remember reading that about seven years into my sobriety, maybe six, I might've read it about four years ago.

But after reading that, I thought, wow, that makes a lot of sense. That's why I felt so weird and awkward when I quit drinking. When I was 14, I created my party girl identity and over time. My choosing to be alcohol free each day gave me the opportunity to step out of that identity and into a new identity because I was really becoming this version of myself that didn't have to rely on alcohol and I think that is the outcome that we all want and I'm going to talk about outcome in just a minute.

But what I realized is even though I was focused on, gosh, I cannot wait till the day that I don't think about drinking, that I get through an entire day and I don't think about it and everything is natural. And again, that is shared by so many women I've heard from and I totally get it. But what I realized is the more that I shifted my mindset into that plan A lifestyle, right?

I am going all into an alcohol free lifestyle instead of I'm trying not to drink. I don't drink. It was that mindset shift. I am no longer a drinker. Once I really allowed that into my life, I think that that identity started to shift. I started to see myself as somebody who went out and didn't drink. And again, it's a practice and it takes time, but if you are resisting it, this is why this episode exists and this lesson exists because I feel like once we let go of that resistance, we can allow ourselves to maybe have some fun with it.

Sure, let's have fun with it. And every single day, remind ourselves, Hey, if I'm not drinking, what do I do? What is that thing that I am doing that is supporting this alcohol free lifestyle? And I had so much proof that I was a drinker from my past experiences. I had to create those new experiences just like you that helped really reinforce this identity as a non drinker.

And it's really tough to do. Like I said, when you believe alcohol is your ride or die, like I did. I had a client that I've worked with for over five years say to me last week that our beliefs create our behaviors and we were talking about something that she was really up against the first year of her sobriety, which is the belief that she held strong in everyone drinks.

And now even though we will look at that and say, yes, a lot of people in society drink, the messaging of alcohol is there, what she has realized that it doesn't matter because she's given herself so much proof that she doesn't need to drink and that she doesn't want to drink. And she had just went on a vacation that she goes on every single year.

And we were talking about the differences from year one to year five. And how enjoyable it was for her to give you a better idea of what being versus doing looks like doing is that focus on outcome. It is very much every single day. I'm going to focus on the day that I just don't think about drinking.

It's pressure driven, it's built off of expectations that may not be realistic, like I've talked about, and it's really questioning, you know, how and why, why is this so hard? How can I get to a point where I don't think about drinking? And it's reacting versus being is really that daily process. It's focused on what you're doing daily.

It's driven by your reason why you don't want to drink. It's exploring the lifestyle and checking in on unrealistic expectations. And it's really answering the question, what can I do for myself today? Besides strength, it's getting in there and it's allowing yourself to really create a plan for yourself instead of asking why, why, why, why, why, or how it's like, what can I do for myself today?

What am I feeling today? And being is about pausing versus reacting. It's pausing and pivoting. That is an overview of what I believe being versus doing is. And here is the lesson from the Alcohol Free Habit 30 Day Kickstart Challenge. Hello there. I am so happy that we're back together again. I hope that you're doing well today.

Be here for just a few minutes today. Be present during this lesson. Everything else can wait. Yesterday we looked at habit formation, and today I want to talk to you about the practice of being versus doing. Being versus doing is based on how you see yourself and your identity. Life can get really tricky if any part of your identity is tied to drinking.

It takes time and a lot of practice to change these beliefs and judgments and assumptions about ourselves. For this lesson, I'm going to use James Clear's example of three levels of behavior change from Atomic Habits, which you will find an image of inside this lesson. He states that behavior change is about identity change.

He uses research to identify three levels of behavior change. Outcome, process, and identity. The outer level is the outcome. That's what you get where you set goals to achieve, and the inner level is the process. That's your daily routines, and at the core is your identity and your belief system about yourself and who you are.

Mr. Clear says, behavior that is incongruent with the self will not last. Identity conflict is the biggest barrier to change. To change your routines eventually and get those new habits, it's more about who you are being versus what you are doing. I say, when you feel out of alignment with who you want to be and what you want to do, especially as you get older and you're doing the same things, you're getting the same results, you're not satisfied with what it is.

You will never experience the freedom of being yourself. And that is an experience I don't want you to miss out on. Because you drink, or you used to drink. Being alcohol free allows you to be more of yourself each and every day. It's not easy, and if you feel awkward not drinking, or you're concerned about what to say to people about your drinking, or not sure what to do if you don't drink, drinking has become part of your identity.

Not all of who you are, no way, just part. And it's a part you can recreate over time if you choose. I created my party girl identity at 14 and at 45 I was deeply tied to it, which is why I felt so out of place not drinking, even by myself at home on my couch. I didn't have the belief to be someone who not only does not drink, but enjoys life not drinking.

So I resisted changing my drinking. I was very concerned about what other people would think. I had no idea what I would do. I expected life to be one way, boring, I would miss out. There was so much that I would miss out on because I didn't drink. That was my party girl talking. She believed alcohol played a big role in her life and without it, life would be unsatisfying.

She hadn't given herself much of an opportunity. To change her perspective and her beliefs. And the only way that I was able to change my beliefs and create a new identity that aligned with really what I wanted, freedom from alcohol, was by practicing being alcohol free daily. I identify with being a sober woman.

And I also identify with being a woman who doesn't want to or needs to drink. That was the ultimate outcome for me. And I never thought I would get there. I never thought I would believe it. Needed time. Lots of time to reinforce that belief. By number one, not drinking. And number two, taking small steps slowly towards this part in me.

Small steps like saying no to my negotiations one day at a time, expressing my thoughts in one paragraph in my journal versus drowning them out in alcohol, boosting my mood during one 15 minute spin by workout on a Sunday versus drinking my Sunday away. As I said last week, when I was talking to you about music, I kept things really simple in my sobriety in those early years.

I wasn't practicing intentionally being alcohol free. In hindsight, changing my behaviors and focusing on my process was happening from day one. I didn't know it. And in time, that led to new beliefs. What comes first? The belief or being? I think it's the being. What about you? The outcome of an alcohol free lifestyle is broad.

It can be terrifying. It's hard to set goals around because there isn't a timeline. I don't believe there is. Your daily process, your routines, that's where it's at. That's where you start, and you start small. And then each and every day you prove to yourself, hey, I'm being alcohol free today. You find more comfortability and confidence in your choice.

The practice of stepping into being isn't faking until you make it or act as if, it's really about being yourself and choosing to be alcohol free daily, which is what we're doing by being mindful of your reason why. Your why power. I am not talking to you about forever being alcohol free or even consistent days not drinking.

Don't focus on any outcome, focus on those small steps that you do on the days that you just don't drink. Practicing your process makes progress, and you're working towards that progress. Your action set today is to be mindful of the small steps you're already taking on the days that you are alcohol free.

By creating a list of five steps that you take that will help you prove to yourself, Hey, you know what? I am being alcohol free. That belief is possible for me. Could be anything from playing the tape forward to tomorrow and reminding yourself, Hey, I want to feel great tomorrow. Drinking water when you're dehydrated because when you get dehydrated you get super cranky.

And you want a drink? And I'm going to give you your first step today. This is proof that you're working towards this belief. You showed up here. I am so proud of you. I will see you tomorrow, and I'm going to help you explore the role of alcohol in your life. See you then. Take care. As I mentioned in the lesson in my Kickstarters, make a list of what you're doing daily to give yourself that proof that you've overcome challenges and are becoming the version of yourself that you can live life free from alcohol.

When you get in that moment where it's such a challenging day or you're thinking, you know what, I do deserve a drink. I do believe that everybody drinks. So why shouldn't I remind yourself of that reason why you're doing this to begin with your why power? And then think of your future self tomorrow.

What is she going to do today to step into that practice of being alcohol free? How is she overcoming these challenges? How is she changing her mind and her beliefs? She is there with you. She's rooting for you. Lock arms with her and allow yourself one more day to give yourself that proof that you so deserve to step into this new version of yourself.

I know this lesson may seem a little out there, but you know what? Let's change things up. If you are someone who is feeling like I really want community, and if you're scared to join an online community, I totally get you. But again, Team Alcohol Free is there for you. It's so welcoming. Come on in and join us.

The Alcohol Free Habit Kickstart Challenge is available to access today, and you can get on in there and start the lessons. There's 30 daily lessons. They're all pretty short. And it's a lot of fun and I am with you 100% every day through this challenge. Next up, next week, we are wrapping up the essential series, your guide to living alcohol free later in life.

And I will be back with you next week. As we talk about. The three types of people who may derail your alcohol free lifestyle. This is also a lesson from inside the kickstart. And then there's a bonus lesson where we will wrap up the essential series where I will talk about keeping sobriety top of mind and help you keep going and growing in this alcohol free lifestyle that you are creating.

Thank you for being here. Take care. Peace.