[00:00:00] Hey there, it's Lori, a gal who started drinking at 14 in 1982 and stopped drinking at 45 in 2013. I'm the midlife sobriety coach and founder of Team Alcohol Free, an online self-improvement community for women 35 and over.

[00:00:14] Inside T A F, you will find weekly meetings, workshops, resources, and the number one tool I feel any gal needs for her alcohol-free toolbox. And I'm not alone in this feeling. Women just like her, working on making the best experience out of freedom from alcohol to learn more about my coaching and to join.

[00:00:31] You can click the link in the show notes or visit lorimassicot.com to get started today. This is the first episode in the Essential series, your Guide to Living Alcohol-Free and Midlife and Beyond. It's a six-week series that I am creating to help you create a foundation for your alcohol-free lifestyle.

[00:00:48] Today I'm sharing my thoughts about what it does and doesn't take to transition to an alcohol-free lifestyle later in life. The information I will share with you today comes from my research and [00:01:00] personal experience as a 30 year drinker who stopped drinking on August 11th, 2013.

[00:01:05] And from what I've seen in the women I've worked with over the past five years in my private coaching, I. The purpose of this episode is to help you get started on your road to alcohol freedom so you don't hold yourself back because of what you think it takes to go from a drinker to a nondrinker. We all have ideas and expectations, and I will share mine with you in just a bit.

[00:01:26] We don't know until we try it out. And what I want you to take away from this episode is a better understanding of what you think it takes. Your action step today is just to be honest with yourself and reflect on what you are telling yourself you need to have more of or less of before you can quit drinking.

[00:01:43] For me, I thought I needed to have way more discipline, way more willpower. I needed more time to figure it out and try to make alcohol work. And I needed a lot less of the, the things that I was experiencing in my life. I had to have less anxiety before [00:02:00] I quit drinking. One thing that I would love for you to reflect on today is what has to come first, and for me, quitting drinking had to come before I could experience less anxiety.

[00:02:11] Hmm. I know it's interesting, huh? That's how it worked for me, so, If you're here and you've been on this road for a bit, this is a great time to check in with yourself, to identify any unrealistic expectations you have about what it takes, and to highlight the things that really help you stay alcohol free.

[00:02:29] All you need is one day without drinking to learn more about what helped you stay that way. If you spend time reflecting and you ask yourself some questions, bottom line, what it takes and doesn't take is a personal experience and is subjective. This is not. One way this is what I've experienced and what I wanna share with you because I do feel like it's common in a lot of women when they come to this point in the fork in the road, do I keep drinking or do I take a break or go [00:03:00] alcohol free?

[00:03:00] Use this episode as a guide to get to how you feel about being alcohol free. If you feel it's gonna take more discipline, willpower, and time to figure out if this is something you want for yourself. Let it out. I'm not saying what you think is wrong, and I'm right.

[00:03:13] Never here. Never. You're never gonna find that. I'm here to help you bring awareness. Cause when we bring awareness and we just listen to a topic that maybe we didn't even know that we need, we can give ourselves a different perspective and also we can take action to get started on what we want more than drinking alcohol.

[00:03:31] Let's get this party started. Before I talk about what it takes and doesn't take to transition to an alcohol-free lifestyle, I gotta talk about what you'll be transitioning out of, and that is a lifestyle that includes drinking, alcohol, A lifestyle is really just about how we usually do things. It includes how we behave our habits.

[00:03:51] The things that we believe in, our values and the choices that we make, and it affects our daily routines, and those routines affect how we feel [00:04:00] overall. Most women, including myself, no matter what age, get to a point where they are unhappy with their overall drinking lifestyle. They start questioning their drinking patterns, and if alcohol is something that is helping them or hindering them, now, a lot of women will be in that zone, that questioning zone, thinking about it.

[00:04:19] For years, sometimes decades. I was there for about two years. I couldn't make sense out of it because I was still drinking. When I was drinking. It felt like I was walking around with just this veil over my head, like maybe a bride, but not a bride. And I was never fully seen or feeling the reality of me, of my life because that was my choice.

[00:04:39] I was doing the same things repeatedly. Expecting different results because I really wanted to change, especially as I got into my forties going through perimenopause. I wanted something to change. I just didn't want it to be alcohol. Alcohol came into my life at 14. I didn't know that it was an addictive chemical compound called ethanol that is toxic to my [00:05:00] brain and body.

[00:05:01] I chose to start drinking because others around me were drinking, and I also found it very helpful in relieving my anxiety and my social anxiety and the hives that I would. Breakout with on my neck. I didn't know that alcohol was being absorbed into my bloodstream and traveling to my brain, which was affecting my central nervous system.

[00:05:21] I knew that it was helping me not be shy, and that was all I needed. That's what alcohol does. It changes your state or of emotions and thoughts. It lowers your inhibitions and it really takes you out of reality and to this place where for a very short amount of time, we're talking minutes brings you peace.

[00:05:40] And what we think is stress relief, but the more you drink, the more you want and the less relief you feel because you have built up this tolerance to it. And that's where I was, you know, I was feeling like no amount of alcohol is helping me, but the normalization of drinking alcohol, ethanol.[00:06:00]

[00:06:00] Makes it really difficult to look at the risks that I was putting myself into. It's like if everyone is drinking, it can't be all that bad. And I really believed that for three decades it can't be all that bad. The classic rhetorical question, what if all your friends jumped off a cliff? Would you jump.

[00:06:20] Yeah, the influence of others is a big obstacle we face when we go alcohol free, no matter our age. For two years, I went back and forth between trying to moderate my drinking and taking breaks and trying to make alcohol work because I had an idea of what it would take. To be a sober woman and what my future would look like if I weren't drinking, and who would be in my life if I wasn't drinking because I had built so many relationships around alcohol, gosh, including my marriage in the beginning.

[00:06:48] We met in a bar we drank a lot together. It was like the third partner for a very long time. So the identity I created at 14. It was still there at 45. I [00:07:00] was the party girl and now she's gonna hang up those party shoes forever and she's going to just what? Move on. The fun and enjoyment is gonna be over.

[00:07:07] I had the idea that life would be very dull and boring, that I would miss out, and now it's time to sacrifice. Everything I've ever enjoyed in my life and learn how to live life without drinking. If an alcohol-free lifestyle is one that doesn't include alcohol, my expectation of that lifestyle was not positive in any way, shape, or form.

[00:07:30] I was actually looking forward to not experiencing, you know, the hangovers. I was looking forward to not experiencing the. Constant thoughts, which I'm gonna talk about drinking and not drinking. I really wanted out of that because I was just exhausting myself at that point, and I really looked at it as, this is gonna be something that is not going to be fulfilling for me, and they're gonna be so many hard days that I really, I'm gonna do it, but I just don't think I'm gonna make it without drinking.

[00:07:59] Today I [00:08:00] defined an alcohol free lifestyle. For myself as one that allows me so many different opportunities to grow and improve myself. And the number one thing that I think is the major part of being alcohol free is to be myself, capital B, e, fully feeling, thinking, doing without drinking.

[00:08:21] It's freedom. And if you were to ask me a year into my sobriety what an alcohol free lifestyle was, I probably would've said it's hard. It kind of sucks and it's also rather nice. It feels good. I didn't think I was worthy of that feeling though for a very long time in the beginning at that stage, cuz I was in the beginning stage in that first year.

[00:08:44] I. It was learning that just because I had an expectation going into it didn't mean that it was going to be true. And I was able to be willing to see both sides of it, but I wasn't able to fully like embrace it and accept it because I kept thinking, [00:09:00] and this is, I was thinking this even though I said I'm gonna stop drinking forever.

[00:09:03] Forever, my friend, which I'm gonna talk about in just a minute, I was still going back and forth with it because I couldn't imagine myself not drinking. It took me a bit to get there and. After all. I mean, the reason why is because this was the very first time in my adult life, except for the nine months, no seven months I was pregnant to be a non drinker.

[00:09:23] I was figuring it out as I went. I wasn't fully committed. And that's something that I wanna share with you because I know a lot of women feel the same way. I just don't know. And it's okay to not know. Very rarely do I think that someone wakes up and quits drinking in one day. There's. Thought that goes into this, the transition to an alcohol-free lifestyle starts with that first thought.

[00:09:46] You get that first hit that something is off with your drinking, and you do start questioning it. You start listening to sober podcasts. You start exploring different books about quitting drinking, and you really dive into. [00:10:00] Bringing some knowledge into your life about this, because I love the fact that this podcast exists and so many others exist.

[00:10:06] Because I didn't have it back then, I didn't know that this was an option for myself because I thought it was an option for just that typical stereotypical view that we. Think of somebody is a drinker, and so I'm glad that you're here. So glad that you're here because man, when you start listening to things like this and topics like this, you are bringing full on knowledge into your life.

[00:10:30] And if you are, here you are, I'm going to assume, which I don't always do, I don't like to do it. You are transitioning to an alcohol free lifestyle. It's badass. Transition means the process. It's not the outcome, it's the process of changing from one place to another, and it's slow. And the cool thing about an alcohol-free lifestyle later in life is that it's yours to explore.

[00:10:53] Create and define as you go. Because like with any lifestyle, it's not one and done meaning. [00:11:00] It's a lifestyle that takes work. You build it, you curate it, you nurture it like a little baby, and over time you learn to help manage whatever it is in your life that you were using alcohol to manage. So let me break down five common expectations of what most women, including myself, think it takes and then give you a more realistic view of what it does take.

[00:11:21] Number one, what it doesn't take to transition to an alcohol-free lifestyle. Isolation. Going it alone. This is typically based on feelings of shame about your drinking and fear and asking for help and getting support. This was me. I knew at the time that my option was an AA meeting. That's what I knew, and so I had to figure out how to do it on my own because that wasn't aligned with my personality.

[00:11:48] There was no way I was going to do it, but I wanted to do it. So what is gonna work for me? I'm gonna go it. Alone. I was very isolated from things in my life. I chose to do that for [00:12:00] myself. I had my husband, I had my son. I told just a few friends and you know, I really, I. Figured it out. I think it, it probably took me a lot longer and it was a lot less enjoyable for me.

[00:12:13] And that's why I say, you know, if you feel isolated in this and you feel like, you know, the only way I'm gonna be able to do this is go it alone. Things have changed from when I stopped drinking to today. There are so many different resources for you to join. It's one of the main reasons why I have a community for women at this stage of life because it is such a hard thing to do.

[00:12:33] There's so much shame and there's so much. Embarrassment around it. So what it does take, I believe, to transition to an alcohol free lifestyle are the three Cs, connection, conversation, and community. Sure. You can go it alone. I did it so I would be a total hypocrite if I said you couldn't do it.

[00:12:53] But I did feel isolated. I didn't know exactly like, is this what I should be doing? Like I said last week, I felt very [00:13:00] embarrassed by the fact that I wasn't drinking. And so the three C's, again, connection, conversation, and community. A connection with at least one other person who understands how you feel and listens and provides support without judgment.

[00:13:13] It's so important. If you don't have that, please email me. Hello lori@lorimaico.com. It's in the show notes. Always please reach out to me and just get it out. Get it out cuz you don't need to keep this in anymore. That's what keeps us drinking a conversation with your doctor first, if you feel like you are somebody who is going to have extreme withdrawal symptoms and that has been holding you back start with your doctor or a trusted medical provider, therapist, counselor, about your concerns about quitting drinking.

[00:13:42] This is the time. If you feel that your drinking is going to be too hard to quit on your own, you are right. You are right. If you feel that way, you are right about that and you do deserve help. Find a community of at least three people who will help you stay accountable to what you want more than drinking [00:14:00] and say, I do understand how you feel.

[00:14:02] I feel that way too because that is a life-changing. If you've tried asking for help from those around you or just talking about how you feel and they're just not getting it, and you feel like you're working really hard to make them understand before you completely quit drinking, I totally understand that.

[00:14:20] Find somebody else. Find anybody else that you can talk to about this, cuz it's not your job to make other people understand. It's exhausting and I think the best way to ask for help from someone is to just let yourself, just remind yourself. This is gonna take like less than a minute, I'm gonna say I wanna share something with you that is important to me and I would love it if you could just listen.

[00:14:44] I don't want your opinion or solutions, I just want you to listen. And I hope that you have that person, but again, if you don't, I'm here for you. I know this isn't easy to do, but if you haven't tried it and you are keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself and drinking to [00:15:00] escape them, why not give this a try and just see how it goes.

[00:15:03] Let's do an experiment. Try it and see how it goes. Get connected. Find somebody to have a conversation with and find a community. Number two, what it doesn't take to transition to an alcohol-free lifestyle.

[00:15:15] A hundred percent certainty and acceptance that this is the choice you want to make for yourself forever. That forever thinking and thinking, I have to have full acceptance of this before I practice, before I give myself a little bit of a break. What it does take, honestly, I think is for sure, number one is self-awareness.

[00:15:34] You have it or you wouldn't be here. You know that there's something with your relationship with alcohol that is not benefiting you, and also a willingness to take a break from drinking to see what happens. I didn't have that 100% certainty. Like I said, I was going back and forth with my drinking. I felt like after my first year, I was still questioning this new lifestyle.

[00:15:55] I wasn't fully embracing it or accepting it, but I knew in my heart, [00:16:00] That I was either going to choose to be alcohol free forever or drink forever. For me, there was no middle ground and there was also the fear of going back to drinking because I knew that if I did, I would be drinking forever, and it just was no longer enough for me.

[00:16:16] It just wasn't enough for me. You're aware. Be willing to experiment, practice, learn, fail, and do it again. Even if it's your 50th time to do this. See what happens. And remind yourself constantly that, Hey, I'm doing this thing today and I'm getting closer and closer to maybe a little bit more resolve with this relationship with alcohol.

[00:16:37] Maybe a little bit more acceptance just a little bit every single day. don't let the fear of failure or thinking in forever terms hold you back from experimenting and experiencing a break from drinking.

[00:16:49] Number three, what it doesn't take to transition to an alcohol-free lifestyle a certain amount of time, whether it be 30 days, a hundred days, to reach the holy grail of alcohol [00:17:00] freedom, but we're all striving for not thinking about drinking anymore. What it takes to transition to an alcohol-free lifestyle where you aren't thinking about drinking are two things.

[00:17:11] Time and patience with yourself. And I know those two things are just like, oh, that's not what I wanna hear. I would not wanted it to hear that in the beginning. I wanted it to be done quick. There was this outcome that I was reaching for, I didn't even know what it was. But ultimately, and this happens with so many conversations that I have with women.

[00:17:30] It is that place where we get to the point where one day we're walking along and we just go, wow, I didn't even think about drinking alcohol again. I feel like that's such a big part of it. Not thinking about drinking is something that is big for a lot of us, and it's one of those golden moments when you feel it completely free from alcohol.

[00:17:47] I feel like it's the point where we just. Exhale, and the only way of not thinking about drinking is by not drinking and giving yourself plenty of time and patience to work through those thoughts. They are [00:18:00] there because alcohol has helped you at some point, manage the things that you felt like you needed relief from, and now going alcohol free and transitioning into this lifestyle, you're learning how to help yourself manage those things without alcohol coming along for the ride. One of the questions I'm asked often, how long is it going to take for this to be easier? Or what is the roadmap to never thinking about drinking again? What do I need to do because I need to get it done. We all want that quick fix. That's why we drink. We want that quick relief.

[00:18:31] But you know what? You design the roadmap as you go. If I gave you mine, I. I've said this before, you'd be stuck on the side of the road somewhere going, huh? It wasn't linear. It was all over the place. I just kept going because I just knew in my heart of hearts that I was gonna figure it out like it has to happen.

[00:18:48] , I'm just going to keep a lot of hope there, and I want you to have hope too. The amount of time it takes is the amount of time you are willing to spend in getting to the other side by taking it day to day and [00:19:00] learning more about yourself and caring for yourself. So alcohol isn't required. I didn't give myself an amount of time, but I sure did should myself a lot.

[00:19:08] I don't want you to should yourself. It should be easier on day 28. I shouldn't think about drinking on day 252. I shouldn't have to keep working on not drinking on day 400. Give yourself time and patience, my friend, and check in with those shoulds and expectations Often, just because we think that something is gonna be a certain way and it's not, doesn't mean that we have to go back to drinking.

[00:19:31] Number four, what it doesn't take to transition to an alcohol-free lifestyle, an ultimatum or pressure to stop drinking from someone else. What it does take. Doing it for you, a commitment to yourself just to find out more about the reasons why being alcohol free matters to you. I have worked with what I like to call rebels in my coaching.

[00:19:54] The women whose spouse or kids or partners want them to stop drinking and rebel against it [00:20:00] by drinking, even though. They don't want to, like, I'm not going to be told to stop drinking. I get that. I've worked with women who worked tirelessly to hide their drinking from their families and friends because of the friction their drinking causes.

[00:20:12] These women know that alcohol is not helping them and that everyone around them wants them to quit, but they aren't ready to do it for themselves yet. Please give yourself a break if this is you. If you tried to quit drinking because of pressure from others and you feel bad about yourself because you can't do it, that's the reason why you aren't alone there either.

[00:20:31] Please find a way that you feel comfortable with telling people who are coming at you about your drinking, that you are working on, coming to terms with giving up alcohol, and you need more time for. Ask for their help and support in a different way. Maybe they're not hearing you. Maybe you need to check in somewhere.

[00:20:48] Maybe you need to be driven to a meeting. Maybe you need to go to the doctor, ask for what you need. We have to make this choice for ourselves.

[00:20:56] And whenever we feel like, oh my goodness, people are [00:21:00] worried about me, my kids are worried about me, they want me to quit drinking, and here I am still drinking we wanna beat ourselves up. And that's where alcohol lives. That's where alcohol comes in and goes, yeah, let me take all of that pain away for you.

[00:21:12] I know there is a reason why not drinking matters to you, or you wouldn't be here with me today.

[00:21:17] Can that reason be enough for today? I am not gonna drink today because that reason does matter. And give yourself another day to on this topic. I feel you. I'm here for you and you are definitely not alone if somebody is giving you an ultimatum, but also you've gotta realize that, hey, I gotta do this for myself.

[00:21:35] Keep going. Number five, what it doesn't take to transition to an alcohol-free lifestyle, the same habits and routines you had while drinking.

[00:21:43] It's just. Pushing yourself up against a wall, hitting your head against the wall. I'm doing the same things over and over again, and I expect this to get easier. What it does take one small change to your habits, your routines, at a time. You know what happens when we [00:22:00] continue to do that same thing over and over again and we expect different results, nothing changes, and then also we go into the berating.

[00:22:08] You tell yourself, I tried to stop drinking, but I couldn't do it. I'm never going to get it right, but I want to challenge you here if this happens to you. Let's say you're going along, you're taking a break from drinking, and then you drink again. Go back to what was happening before you took that drink, what was going on there, and look at that and say, what is one small thing that I could change next time that happens?

[00:22:32] Could be saying no to an event where you feel like not drinking would be too challenging. Maybe you went to this event and you decided to drink. If you feel this way, you're right. If it's too challenging for you, it's okay. You don't need to be stronger. This isn't a test of your will. This is your time to protect your choice, so skip it.

[00:22:52] If it's going to maybe a different grocery store, one small change, because let's say last time you were hungry and you were tired, it was the end of [00:23:00] the day. You had no intention of drinking, but you went to that grocery store. I'm gonna say it was Trader Joe's for me, and I walked down that aisle that I typically walk down, and man, it was just right there.

[00:23:10] Easily accessible. What is one small change you can do right there in that situation? Go to a different grocery store. Go at a different time of day.

[00:23:19] Make sure that you eat before. Make sure that you're in the right mindset. Write why you're not drinking on a post-it and carry it with you or on your notes app.

[00:23:28] Do the opposite of what you normally do and see what happens.

[00:23:31] You see the, the common theme kind of running through this episode, and I didn't even plan it. See what happens. Let's explore, let's experiment, let's practice. But honestly, next time that that comes up for you, just remind yourself, go back like what was happening before. I took that drink and what could I do differently next time?

[00:23:50] Those small things that you will do daily, they're stacking up in your favor. Take time to acknowledge those things because you are doing it. If you've had one day that you weren't [00:24:00] drinking, go back and go, okay, yes, this is what I did. That is the change that I made. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither were our drinking habits.

[00:24:08] We put a lot of time and effort into drinking. Now when we're transitioning to an alcohol-free lifestyle, we put time and effort into learning how to live alcohol-free for a lot of us. Me, I'm raising my hand to this. It was unlearning, it was creating new beliefs as I went. It was changing my old stories.

[00:24:27] And it was a lot of relearning how to be man at 14 years old. Oh, I didn't even know how to feel my feelings back then. And then alcohol just swooped on in and, and took care of it for me for 30 years. . Let's recap what it doesn't take to transition to an alcohol-free lifestyle.

[00:24:44] Isolation, going it alone. A hundred percent certainty that you are going to choose to be alcohol free as a forever choice, a certain number of days to find the holy grail of alcohol freedom where you don't think about drinking, nor does it take an ultimatum or [00:25:00] pressure to quit from anyone else. And being alcohol free does not take the same stuff you've been doing on repeat that kept you drinking.

[00:25:07] Transitioning to an alcohol-free lifestyle takes self-awareness and a willingness to explore an alcohol-free lifestyle to see what happens. Time and patience to learn more about yourself and find ways to manage what alcohol was helping you manage takes a commitment to yourself to test it out. Explore.

[00:25:24] Learn more about why it matters to you. And last but not least, it takes a day-to-day practice of doing the opposite of what you normally do by changing one small habit at a time. Bottom line. What it takes and doesn't take is a personal experience. Remember, and it is subjective.

[00:25:39] Use this episode as a guide to get to know a little bit more about how you feel about being alcohol free. Cuz when we're aware then we can start kind of delving into those thoughts. Like, this is very interesting that I think this is this true

[00:25:52] take time today to reflect on your thoughts about this episode. Make a list of what you think it takes and highlight what you know to be true about what it does. [00:26:00] If you're not there yet, it's okay. Document your days as you go. My sober journal is one of the best tools that I have and had. To maintain my alcohol-free lifestyle.

[00:26:10] I wrote about everything. I wrote about my thoughts, my feelings, what was happening that day. Treat yourself today, go out, maybe pick up a really pretty colorful journal or a notebook that you could start writing about your experience cuz you are the author. Of this, you are the one that's creating the roadmap.

[00:26:27] Put it down on paper and see what comes up for you. And that is taking action, and that's what I'm all about. Go out and take some action today. I will see you in two days with a special bonus. Five questions to ponder to help you take a break from drinking as part of the Essential series, your Guide to Living Alcohol Free and Midlife and Beyond.

[00:26:44] If you would like to receive the episode's, bonuses, and some additional tips and support throughout the series, click the link right at the top of the show notes to join my exclusive 50 and beyond email community. You'll also get the episodes and bonuses a day early. Thank you so much for listening [00:27:00] today. I appreciate you for listening. If you haven't subscribed on your podcast app, do so so you get all of the bonuses that are coming your way and take care of yourself today, my friend. I am with you. Peace.