Lori:

I had originally titled this episode: Three Ways to Make Living A/F Better, and then I decided to change it because I felt like living a/f was impossible for a very long time, but it’s not. It’s POSSIBLE!

In this episode, I’m sharing Three Ways to Make Living A/F Possible

No. One: Belong to a Community

No. Two: Stick to Your Standards -

No. Three: Practice Mindset Shifts

I think we all could use a reminder of what is possible for us today - where we are, not where we think we need to be before we can experience the possibility and freedom of living alcohol-free.

You are possible of creating an a/f lifestyle that fires you up…today.

The moments when you think, “this is impossible, I have to drink at the BBQ, Barb is offering me my favorite wine,” or “this is impossible, my husband/wife is so frustrating, I have to drink to cope!” Not drinking through these challenging moments is beyond possible and that is what builds your a/f muscle.

New beliefs are created when you make living a/f possible for you - a shift in perspectives, an acceptance of another lifestyle, and the possibility of transformation no matter your age.

Hello, I’m Lori. I’m The Midlife Sobriety Coach on a mission to spread awareness of the life-changing impact of going alcohol-free later in life.

I quit drinking in 2013, and since then, I have worked on creating a life that helps me stay sober. I’m a certified life, recovery, and nutrition coach who works with women in midlife and beyond to help them create a lifestyle that doesn’t involve alcohol coming along for the ride.

I’m super pumped you are here! If you’re new here, To 50 and Beyond is all about helping you find joy and confidence in living a/f later in life; thank you for being here, and if you’re coming back to the podcast - I appreciate the heck out of you!

Before we start, I must share with you that TAFH is open for enrollment today! (GET EXCITED!)

The Alcohol-Free Habit is my six-week self-improvement program, and the doors are open right now! As you’re listening to this episode, you can click the link down below in the show notes to go and check it out!

we start with a community kickoff call on Wednesday, September 7th, and the program starts on September 12th. You have six weeks to learn how to break your drinking patterns, create new habits, and navigate an a/f lifestyle with self-compassion and a community of women who are on the same road as you.

This is the last time I will open the TAFH 6-week program for enrollment, so if you’ve been hearing about it and want to get in so you can have lifetime access to the program, today is your day!

But wait, there's more!

I have a new four-week self-study version of TAFH - TAFH Kickstart, which will launch on October 12th, that will be included in this session as a free bonus!!! Two programs in one - lifetime access + updates to the kickstart.

If you are a woman tired of the same ol’ drinking patterns and want to explore living an a/f lifestyle, the habit is for you!

These programs are essential tools to carry with you in early sobriety and beyond.

TAFH is not a get sober now program; it’s a program that helps you get excited and plan for living alcohol-free when you are ready.

I am so excited to meet new gals inside of this program - we will get to know each other through our weekly live sessions and community — if you are ready, grab the link below and join today!

Let’s get started with this episode!

The number one way to make living a/f possible is to belong to a community.

No. One - Belong to a Community

I had a gal email me the other day that has listened to the podcast for a couple of years and referred to y’all as “to 50 and Beyonder's,” and I loved hearing it! Whether you are new or have listened for years, you are a part of a wonderful group of women who are either curious about sobriety or living that a/f lifestyle now. I believe that when women come together, we can do anything.

The number one reason I do what I do - why I’m talking to you today is because I didn’t have other women around me that were working on sobriety. No one was “sober” in my friend group or family. I felt alone in my drinking, and the fact that I wasn’t aware my drinking had become something I needed to change.

When we belong to a community like-minded women, we feel secure and supported and my favorite, is understood.

I thought there was only one option when I quit: AA. If you listened to Why I Quit Drinking (link it in show notes), you heard me say that I didn’t attend AA because I felt shame about my drinking. That is my truth.

It wasn’t until I created the anonymous IG account, To 50 and Beyond, and start connecting to other sober folks - two years into my sobriety - that the shame started to turn into: I’m human, just like them - instead of I am a problem, like no one else.

It’s life-changing when you find just one other person with who you can connect and that understands how you feel.

Today, you have many different ways to get and stay sober and many different groups like AA, online group coaching programs, yes, I’m going to say it - The Alcohol-Free Habit, and many more! We are fortunate as women in the middle of life to have other options because with all of these options, we can change our drinking privately and safely.

If you are around folks who tell you you don’t need to quit drinking, you don’t have a problem; you can moderate or have one - go ahead, YOLO! chances are, you will continue trying to make alcohol work out of fear that these people in your life won’t understand your choice to no longer drink, and you may be left out or the relationship may end. All valid reasons to be fearful of giving up alcohol, and only you can decide of those reasons are valid enough to keep drinking.

You don’t have to remove these people from your life, but, in my experience, you can benefit from ADDING women who are sober and working on sobriety because it is within a community that we feel connected to ourselves on a deeper level and where we belong, and belonging, no matter what your age, is important for our mental and emotional health.

Connecting to a like-minded sober community helps you feel confident in your choice not to drink.

If you live alone or you are surrounded by people who don’t support your choice to go a/f, get connected.

No. Two - Stick to *your* standards

Standards are related to your values, desires, and purpose. Your standards are unique to you, and mine are unique to me. They aren’t too high or low or anything other than YOURS - not theirs. Not society or your BFF Sharon or your Aunt Sally’s.

We conform to the drinking culture and the habits and behaviors of those who drink until we decide to normalize not drinking for ourselves and stick to our standards.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a casual drinker, a moderate drinker, or a heavy drinker; drinking alcohol in our society is associated with being normal - not drinking means you are not normal.

The definition of normal is:

conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected:

And conforming means: orming (present participle)

comply with rules, standards, or laws:

The drinking culture isn’t going anywhere - we must accept it and not conform to it. the way that I can change the drinking culture’s standards and norms is to stick to my personal standards I hold higher than drinking:

Getting up at 5 AM daily without my first thought being: What did I say or do last night?

Moving my body daily without the after-effects of alcohol.

Taking care of my mental health by not adding undue stress to my day with thoughts of: I drank when I didn’t want to drink.

Reflecting on a situation vs. reacting – sobriety has helped me not catastrophize every little thing which gives me a sense of peace that I never thought I would experience

Feeling my emotions without learning about them, not avoiding them by drinking

Looking in the mirror and being proud of myself because I’m choosing ME over alcohol.

When I quit drinking, I was so concerned with other people’s opinions about me not drinking - how in the heck will I not drink with people I’ve drank with for decades? What will they think? How will I deal with this for the rest of my life?!!! The messaging in my brain was: it’s normal to drink like them.

It wasn’t normal for me to experience socializing without drinking. I felt like I was missing something - like my big glass of chardonnay was a part of my body - I felt awkward and completely abnormal in social situations where I would have had a drink.

Someone who is a casual drinker will experience the same social norms when choosing not to drink as someone who is a heavy drinker in recovery. But, when you’re newly sober, it’s scary AF to think about attending events where people may ask you “why aren’t you drinking?” and if you’re like me, you will think about it constantly!

We want to make it mean, they will think I have a problem no matter what I tell them — I totally get it!

Think about this….

Some folks have NEVER had a drink in their lifetimes and they are greeted with: why aren’t you drinking - have a drink - don’t be boring - drink up when they attend social events because of the drinking culture. These sober from birth folks have a standard that doesn’t allow them to drink no matter the pressure from others.

It gets easier to stick to your standards and not drink…. I’m going to share a short story with you..

At eight years sober, I attended my husband’s company christmas party at a winery in San Diego this past Christmas. I was sitting at a table with 10 people including Bill where everyone had a glass of alcohol, including bill - he had one beer and I was drinking diet coke that night one of my husbands friend sitting across the table, said, Lori how is the podcast going. I kind of froze, because I was sitting next to women who were drinking and talking - not my husbands friends - another couple, and if you don’t me, I’m a shy gal - I’m quiet and like to observe in small settings like that - I don’t want to be the center of attention ever — I said “oh, it’s going really great” let’s move on… and then Bill Massicot went onto to tell everyone how popular the podcast is and the interviews I’ve done and just bragging on me – he loves googling the podcast and seeing where it’s at — anyway, the woman sitting next to me said “oh, you have a podcast” and I said yes, and she asked what is your content and the name of the podcast? And I proudly said, it’s called To 50 and Beyond and it’s focused on sobriety in midlife and beyond. —- riff — oh! Laughter, I may need that someday! And she then asked what made you start a podcast about that? I am sober. Oh! And then it got even more quiet. It’s not uncomfortable for me to say “I’m not drinking - or I’m sober — no one ever asks what is in my cup. What was uncomfortable is that I felt a bit of judgment from these women and an assumption about me that was made which kind of shocked me but also made me realize, #1 because of the drinking culture, most people don’t know that sobriety is not for one type of person, it’s for everyone. An alcohol-free lifestyle is just that - it’s a lifestyle where you don’t drink because you have set standards for yourself that don’t align to alcohol and #2 these conversations will come up for the rest of my sober life — when I come out of my bubble being a homebody and I have to face them just like someone who is newly sober.

These conversations are not fun, and they are awkward, but I left there knowing that I will remember every bit of them, and wake up the next day not hungover. Because that dinner and that close proximity to people would have been a drink fest for me.

In midlife, we have the chance to stop conforming and own our true desires. Stand up for ourselves and our choices, so we build confidence in ourselves and feel free from all the conforming we have done in our lives.

Check-in with your standards when it comes to drinking.

Where are you not giving yourself enough credit to stick to them, especially when you are in social situations.

Don’t discount how much control you have to stick to what is important to you. Drinking to conform is a thing, we’ve all done it, If conforming was a job, I would be a millionaire by now.

And as a reminder: it is not up to you to accommodate other people’s drinking by drinking. It’s up to you to stick to your standards and evolve - it’s time.

No. Three - Practice Mindset Shifts

Go from impossible thinking to possible instantly.

The power of your mind is well, powerful! You can switch a thought in an instant to give you a new perspective by practicing mindset shifts.

A mindset shift can take you from instant gratification to long-term happiness. It can also help boost your mood, raise your vibe, practice gratitude, sleep better, and in the long-run keep you sober.

The list of what you can do when you empower your mindset is endless. You become unstoppable working towards want you want most, not the quick-fix that comes from alcohol.

Now, I’m all for positive thinking - as a former “the sky is falling” thinker, I practice being more positive daily — I still sometimes think the sky is falling, but I’m able to be more realistic with my thoughts — I’m not talking about saying things I don’t believe like, an easy example: I don’t feel good today - and then shifting it to “I feel great today”

No. that’s denying myself the right to feel however I feel — I won’t do that anymore.

Mindset shifts are small - realistic and true. I think of a shift in my mindset as “why not?” — you choose what thoughts you focus on, why not focus on thoughts that help you live a/f vs. thoughts that bring up resistance to this wonderful lifestyle?

I will give you an example when it comes to living a/f:

Thought:

I have to stop drinking forever.

Forever is too much — we’ve talked about it before, but man this one holds a lot of women back from going a/f because forever is a commitment and I’m not saying you can’t commit to something, I’m saying committing is scary because we fear: what if I fail - then it won’t be forever and I have to tell everyone I failed…and it goes down the spiral of thoughts that make it impossible to go a/f. I actually have a conversation about this with my guests next week, lane Kenney and Tamar Medford who are here to talk about what is next after you get sober.

Let’s take this thought: I have to stop drinking forever and shift it to:

I choose to not drink today.

It’s so easy, right?

No, it’s simple though and once you start practicing it does become easier just like most things we do in life.

Another thought:

F’it! You only live once.

Shift: You only live once, and I know what living while drinking feels like, now I want to experience what life feels like a/f.

Another one:

This week was so stressful. I deserve a drink!

Shift to:

I know this isn't the only stressful week I will have. I can figure out what helps me unwind without alcohol and practice new behaviors.

And for this practice, I have a freebie for you in the show notes: 10 Empower Mindset Shifts for Women in Sobriety. Download it, it comes with an audio and a workbook to help you continue to practice.

All we can do is practice and remind ourselves that I’m not drinking today - rinse and repeat.

Be honest with yourself when thoughts come up that you’re tired of rehashing and shift them into more realistic thoughts. I know you can do this - if I can, anyone can.

I am so tired of rehashing: you’re not getting enough done or you need to do more – I have to shift into the truth: you’ve done enough today, or my favorite, there is no way you will get everything done ?????

Let’s recap:

The three ways to make living a/f possible are:

Belong to a community of like-minded women, so you feel included and understood, and confident in your choice to go a/f.

Stick to *your* standards they are not high or low - they are yours, not societies or anyone else around you who wants you to conform to their standards.

PRACTICE ON REPEAT MINDSET SHIFTS TO HELP YOU CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE AND STAY A/F.

Reminder, TAFH is now open for enrollment - enrollment will close on September 1st and we will kickoff on September 7th inside of our community and with a special introduction call with me at 10:00 am PST.

Your first module, Why You’re Here unlocks on Monday, 9/12 and it includes an introduction to the Drinking Loop and an exercise to help you identity the role that alcohol plays in your life.

Reminder: TAFH is not a get sober now program; it’s a program that helps you get excited and plan for living alcohol-free when you are ready. It’s a wonderful tool for your a/f toolbox!

Thank you for being here. I will see you next week with that episode I talked about earlier, You’re Sober! Now What with Lane Kennedy and Tamar Medford of the you’re Sober! Now What podcast.

Take care of yourself. Peace.